Learn to Seek and Grant Forgiveness
Description
Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.
Introduction
Just as important as defining what forgiveness is, though, is understanding what forgiveness is not. Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.
Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.
The researchers were expecting forgiveness to be most beneficial across the board, but that wasn’t exactly the case.
In fact, forgiveness and avoidance seemed to show similar effects: In both groups, participants’ negative emotions decreased over the course of the experiment. Participants who practiced forgiveness or avoidance didn’t feel stronger after the experiment, but they did fare better than the revenge group—whose sense of empowerment, self-esteem, and belief in their ability to cope with the bullying all went down.
But imagining forgiveness proved to be the most stressful of the three outcomes, as measured by electrical activity on the participants’ skin. As they visualized forgiving the bully, the forgiveness group calmed down more slowly than either the avoidance group or the revenge group.
All of us make all kinds of mistakes in our relationship with others because we are under the influence of Maya and subject to mental afflictions like ignorance, attachment, aversion, false pride, and fear. While we conceptually understand and want to learn to seek and grant forgiveness, we are not always successful in implementing that knowledge. Let us utilize the Vedic knowledge (i.e., tatvagyan) as taught by Swami Mukundananda ji to solidify our convictions.
The nature of this topic is such that before you read the contents, it may be more helpful to scroll down to the section on “Tools for Your Personal Growth” (The Forgiveness Barometer) to assess your own beliefs and tendencies towards forgiveness. Then, you may return to the Vedic Wisdom to better understand the tatvagyan.
Reflection Questions
- What is forgiveness?
- Why should we forgive others or seek forgiveness from others?
- How can we forgive when we are hurting?
What is Forgiveness?
In the Bhagavad Gita commentary, Swamiji defines forgiveness or forbearance as the ability to tolerate the offences of others, without feeling the need to retaliate. Through forgiveness, one heals the emotional wounds caused by others that would otherwise fester and disturb the mind . VoForgiveness does not mean that we forget the crime, but we let go of the hurt feelings and grudges. Forgiveness is freedom from ill-will even toward those who have harmed us.
Why Should We Forgive Others or Seek Forgiveness from Others?
Forgiveness is the most essential and crowning virtue on the spiritual path. Swamiji says that until we master this virtue, we cannot say that we have entered the spiritual realm. We live in an imperfect material world so obviously, we will repeatedly encounter people who will hurt us. But forgiveness is a divine virtue and eternal forgiveness is an expression of divine love.
We should forgive others because unless we do, the negative feelings will convert into resentment. Resentment is like toxic waste that creates internal emotional conflicts, mental imbalances, and physical health issues. To move ahead and grow spiritually, we must let go of resentment. If we hold a grudge, we will demean our own soul. By forgiving those who have harmed us, we can free ourselves from the internal torture.
We must rely on Vedic knowledge to understand that we all are materially conditioned souls. Just as we are not surprised to find sick people in hospitals, nor felons in prisons, we should not be surprised to find selfish and often evil people in this world. We all have been bereft of God-consciousness since endless lifetimes, therefore, we hurt others and experience hurt ourselves. If we want to be forgiven by those whom we hurt, it is equally important to forgive those who hurt us.
An interesting point to reflect upon is that sometimes, even God and Guru may deliberately present challenging situations to rattle us and test the extent of our selfless love. If we possess even a tinge of selfishness, then we will take offense and doubt their love. So, we have to understand this principle and even forgive God for challenging us in different ways. As Swamiji says, true love or bhav-bhakti is that where God presents a reason to be angry, yet the devotee takes it in stride as His prasad without being angry or feeling hurt. True love means eternal forgiveness which truly uplifts the soul.
In one of the beautiful lines in Shree Maharajji’s kirtan, (Bhulihun durbhavana kahun, ho na sapanehun pyare), he reiterates that we should not hold a grudge against anyone even in our dream. While positive thoughts uplift the soul, resentment degrades it completely. By practicing forgiveness, a person of discrimination, releases the negativities and purifies the mind (BG 13:8-12).
Finally, when we forgive others, God takes notice that the sadhak or devotee has elevated to a higher level and deserves more grace. So, if we want more grace, we should practice forgiveness, not just once but innumerable times.
It is just as important to seek forgiveness from others as it is to forgive people for their wrongdoing. The ability to identify and accept one’s own faults is a reflection of humility. We must seek forgiveness genuinely, accepting our own fault and finding ways to correct the wrongdoing. Asking for forgiveness should not be motivated by fear of retaliation or loss of privileges but be grounded in humility. Let us remember that God loves humble souls.
Our scriptures have presented many beautiful examples of how one should seek forgiveness. When Shree Krishna captured Kaliya naag, the naag-patnis (wives of Kaliya) humbly and repeatedly requested the Lord to let him go even though he was evil. Similarly, Lord Ram forgave Jayant who hurt Mother Sita out of ignorance of her divinity. The infinitely compassionate Lord forgives the souls when they seek forgiveness with humility and absence of pride. When Arjun witnessed the divine and cosmic form of Lord Krishna before the Mahabharat war, he was terrified and overwhelmed, but also regretful because he had related to God as a casual friend.
tasmāt praṇamya praṇidhāya kāyaṁ
prasādaye tvām aham īśham īḍyam
piteva putrasya sakheva sakhyuḥ
priyaḥ priyāyārhasi deva soḍhum
Therefore, O adorable Lord, bowing deeply and prostrating before you, I implore you for your grace. As a father tolerates his son, a friend forgives his friend, and a lover pardons the beloved, please forgive me for my offences.
How Can We Forgive When We Are Hurting?
Forgiving and forgetting are difficult when our feelings are hurt. Swamiji says that it is easier to detach from material objects and people than it is to detach from pain and suffering caused by others. It is even more difficult to let go of resentment. But, until we rise beyond the hurt, we will not be able to move forward on the spiritual path because the resentment will kill us and degrade the soul. It is more productive to give up grudges not for the sake of the other person but for ourselves.
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
– Mahatma Gandhi
When others ask for forgiveness, we must release the ill-will from our heart. By forgiving those who have hurt us, we free up ourselves from the emotional pain. We control our mind and emotions instead of being controlled by the external environment. Besides, if our mind gets attached to those whom we resent, it will not be able to make room for positive and divine sentiments needed to attach the mind to God and Guru.
Here are some strategies to help us all increase the practice of forgiveness:
- Institute a forgiveness ritual before bedtime: Create your own meditation script to forgive others as a favor to yourself. Reward your soul by forgiving others even if they have not asked for forgiveness. Take the opportunity to earn divine grace.
- Manage your expectations: Ask yourself, “Are the people who hurt me God-realized souls?” If no, then why am I surprised that they do hurtful things? If yes, take the situation as a spiritual test. Tell yourself, “I must pass this test because God and Guru want what is best for my spiritual growth.”
- Increase tolerance as a way to cleanse the heart: Reflect on the importance of forgiving and forgetting wrong doings by others. As Swamiji says, “Let your critic vent out steam. You tolerate the hurt which will help to cleanse your heart.” Recall the knowledge that challenges are presented to strengthen us. Remind yourself that forgiving others and seeking forgiveness attracts divine grace from God and Guru.
- Focus on higher goals to let go of resentment: Struggles in life make us internally strong, resilient and effective problem-solvers. We can motivate ourselves to subdue the lower nature and focus on higher goals. The evidence of will-power lies in pursuit of superior goals (e.g., seeking and granting forgiveness) even if they require more effort than lower goals (e.g., resentment and anger) to which the mind is attached.
- Utilize the forgiveness barometer: On a monthly basis, assess your “forgiveness barometer” to observe changes in your own thinking and behavior over time (see “Tools” section below).
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